With each session, one of the primary topics I like to cover is the fact that, we can not heal what we can not talk about. Perhaps you may think that it is simple, but I cannot tell you how many times, this ends up being the one thing that sticks with a couple from that first session. Since the couple has decided to come to therapy, you would think that they have come to heal the hurts caused in the relationship, but this is not always true. Let's take George and Sara.
The couple knew that their was something between them but neither could figure out how to resolve the issue; so one evening, Sara could not take the disconnection any longer and said, "George, we need to talk. she began by saying, "I feel disconnected from you and I need to know why." George stated, "I admit that I have been distant; I have wanted to talk to you about it but the right time just never seemed to come up." George begins to tell Sara, I need more from you. You constantly expect me to surprise you with gifts, take you out to dinner, make love to you or comfort you when yo have had a hard day; but you do none of these things for me. As he describes his feelings, Sara begins to cry. In tears, she responds, how she is always insecure about purchasing anything for George and she continues with more of her rationale. George now feels that he must stop expressing his truth to bring comfort to Sara.
In this example, Sara has taught George an important lesson. She has taught George that she
can not, will not or does not know how to take in George's truth. George is left feeling, "It is unsafe to express my truth with Sara." Now, his options are to hold his truth in silence or share it with someone who will listen- this is usually another woman.
The same is true for Sara, as she beings to express her need for more intimacy, George responds by blowing up, rehearsing all the things that he does to keep the family afloat. Now, George has taught Sara the same lesson. He has taught her that he can not, will not or does not know how to take in Sara's truth. Now Sara is left to hold her truth in silence or share it with someone who will listen- this is usually another man.
We must be able to communicate our truth. Just as the one partner has the responsibility to communicate, the other has the responsibility to hear. The role of the therapist is to help our partners be able to tolerate, modulate and communicate difficult feelings (Wallin, 2007).
If you are in the Dothan, Alabama area, and in need of more support, whether individual, Couple or family, give us a call to set up an appointment.
Until next Time.
Wallin, David J. Attachment in Psychotherapy. Guilford Publications.
Comentarios